


Brain Over Heart

by orphan_account



Category: Big Time Rush (Band), Big Time Rush (TV)
Genre: aka logan comes out accidentally, also logan is just as gay, he basically gay panics for the first like five paragraphs, he talks about his smile cmon, he's also a very sentimental boy, kendall is so gay for logan, kendall's had a crush on him FOR A HELLA LONG TIME
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:35:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24072289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Logan's been holding his feelings in for five years and it's gotten harder. How can one not love Kendall Knight?
Relationships: Kendall Knight/Jo Taylor, Kendall Knight/Logan Mitchell, is mentioned briefly
Comments: 6
Kudos: 72





	Brain Over Heart

**Author's Note:**

> LOGAN JUST GAY PANICS FOR LIKE EIGHT PARAGRAPHS LMFAO also kendall is so sentimental in this story bye

Logan was always quick to think with his head rather than his heart. He almost always preferred concrete evidence with a supported argument and thesis over anything his heart had to say, but when it came to Kendall, his brain would short circuit. His heart would pound in his chest while his brain cells would come together to try and force logic into his head but it never mattered. His heart always won when it came to Kendall Knight. 

They’d met when Kendall asked Logan to join his table in third grade during ‘fun friday’. Sure, the table had only been occupied with James and Carlos who held two Nintendo DS’s and were giggling as they showed each other the screens, but Kendall held out his hand for Logan to take. Logan had looked back to his single desk, having asked the teacher to be on his own instead of at a table of four, before looking back to Kendall with a hesitant frown. 

He thought of what his mom said about pushing himself out of his comfort zone. He took Kendall’s hand and watched as a bright smile pinned the blond’s lips before he was gently, yet frantically, pulled toward the trio’s table.

Logan had gone home with an ecstatic grin, happily telling his mother about his new friends. 

Now they were seventeen, living in Los Angeles so they could produce albums for Big Time Rush, and nothing had changed about Logan. If Kendall needed something, Logan was at his side in less than ten minutes. 

Logan knew that with falling in love came inevitable heartbreak and he knew that when he laid awake at night in the bedroom he shared with Kendall, thinking about the day he’d finally man up and force up a confession, it wasn’t good. He’d known of his feelings since they were in middle school, finally being able to differentiate what was romantic and what wasn’t.

When they moved to Los Angeles Kendall met Jo. They dated and Logan forced himself to be happy for Kendall because truly, he was happy for them. For every kiss and every date the two shared, Logan remembered that love ended in heartbreak. He knew that by the time Kendall and Jo were twenty five they’d be married and living happily together so he kept his feelings locked away in a box inside his chest. Even now that Jo moved to New Zealand and the two broke up, he’s kept that box locked tight.

He sighed and tossed the covers off his legs, scooting to the edge of the bed before pushing himself up. He stalked into the living room with his notebooks and sat quietly on the couch while everyone else slept. It was one in the morning, he knew that, but that didn’t sway his thoughts from racing so he decided to study, hoping that would calm his nerves even in the slightest. 

Spoiler alert: it didn’t.

Logan’s imagination swerved onto a different track as soon as he got a sentence into his chemistry textbook. He thought of how soft Kendall’s hair would feel between his fingers, how soft his lips would feel, how good it’d feel to have Kendall’s arms around him, how it’d feel to have their hands interlocked or- he jolted when he felt a hand squeeze his shoulder. 

“Logan.” Logan looked up from his textbook quickly, relaxing when he realized it was just Kendall. A very tired Kendall. “Dude, what are you doing up? It’s two thirty in the morning.” He furrowed his eyebrows and glanced at the clock, blinking surprisedly when he noticed it was in fact two thirty in the morning. 

“I couldn’t sleep so I thought I’d study..” Logan shrugged and closed the textbook, knowing very well he wouldn’t get anything done with his thoughts of Kendall racing through his mind. 

“Only you would find studying at two am appealing.” Kendall snorted, rubbing eyes before dragging his hand through his hair and holy shit Logan wished he could kiss Kendall right then and there. His lips were pressed together in a tired smile and his eyes were hazed over with obvious exhaustion- it only made Logan want to kiss him more. 

“Earth to Loginator?” Kendall chuckled quietly, waving his hand in front of his best friend's face. “What is goin’ on with you?”

Logan knew he couldn’t tell Kendall the truth and it tugged at every moral bone in his body, especially when him and the boys had promised never to keep secrets from each other. Every time they held secrets it ended in a big fight and it resulted in them adding another code to the bro code. The no secrets code.

He opened his mouth but dumbly closed it again, not knowing what to say. The truth was immediately crossed out on Logan’s mental list, but he could proceed with a blatant lie. He sighed and leaned back into the couch, not wanting to lie to Kendall. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Kendall tensed as he felt the weight of the room shift into something he didn’t like, slowly taking a seat next to Logan.

“Have you ever.. liked someone but you can’t tell them because it would ruin everything?” He stared at the ceiling, finding it easier to talk about his feelings when he wasn’t getting lost in his head while staring at everything that was Kendall Knight.

“Expand on that?” Kendall asked quietly, wanting more context before giving an answer.

“Let’s say you’ve liked this person for.. I don’t know, five years? And recently you’ve kinda realized it’s harder to hide your feelings for said person for whatever reason, but you can’t tell them because you’re certain they wouldn’t like you back.. What would you do?” Logan was lost. His brain could only do so much before his heart would kick it out of the driver's seat and take hold of the wheel. 

He may have been able to hide it for almost six years and he was proud of himself for it, but his heart had been destroying his concrete evidence full of science and facts and he’s sure it’s due to growing as a person since he’s been in L.A.

“Well..” Kendall took a deep breath, running through his mind to find the right words to say. “How are you certain she doesn’t like you?” Logan cringed. Of course he’d say she because he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know all the emotions that have been welling up inside Logan since middle school, he doesn’t know about the time he considered signing up for Grindr or some other dating site for dudes.

“Kendall, I’m gay.” 

The room was completely silent and it shook Logan to his core after he realized he’d outed himself to his best friend. He pushed himself into a sitting position as quickly as he could, swiftly turning his head to look at Kendall’s surprised expression. Logan swallowed harshly, pushing his notebook off his lap and to the floor before standing up. 

“I gotta go-” Logan laughed uncomfortably as he stumbled past the table on his way to the door.

“Logan, wait-!”

“Nope, nope, nope- I am not dealing with this today, I should’ve kept my mouth shut-”

“Logan.”

His breath hitched as he felt Kendall’s hand clamp down around his wrist gently, refraining him from taking another step but he also couldn’t find the muscles in his feet to help move. He stared at the door, not daring to look back at Kendall.

“Logan, it’s okay.” Kendall tugged on Logan’s wrist tightly, spinning him around gently so he’d crash against his chest. He let go of Logan’s wrist, swiftly wrapping his arms around Logan’s middle and lowering his head to rest his chin on his shoulder. 

“I-” Logan found himself short circuiting while he was being wrapped up in Kendall’s warmth. It felt like home. It felt like Minnesota, the ice rink, the recording studio, his bed, the old treehouse they used to hang out in that was in Carlos’ backyard, it felt like every place that ever had any importance to him - Kendall felt like home. Before he could realize, there were salty tears cascading down his cheeks and he was burying his nose into Kendall’s neck as his breaths came out shakily.

“It’s okay, just breathe.” Kendall whispered to him and Logan lifted his hands, grasping the back of Kendall’s nightshirt within his fingers tightly. “You’re okay.”

“I thought you guys would think of me differently if you ever found out so I just hid it for years- _years_ , Kendall. Everything was so hard and it hurt because I was lying to you guys about every date I said I had and about almost every kiss I claimed I got- I even showed up at those dances with Camille because I didn’t know what to do and I was worried about that stupid bro code and-” 

Logan froze, the grip his fingers had on Kendall’s shirt lightening as his brain began trying to process what was happening. Soft chapped lips were pressing against his as hands held the back of his head and neck in a loving hold.

Kendall was kissing him.

_Holy shit Kendall Knight was kissing him._

The start of the soft touch sent a strong feeling of warmth spiraling through his system. Logan’s eyes closed fearlessly, but the closure didn't let him see darkness, it instead created colors of fondness. His tense nerves soon began to relax, his troubles, his pain began to melt away and the surroundings began to disappear leaving only him, him and Kendall. 

Suddenly, the touch was gone and Logan was afraid to open his eyes. Maybe everything was a dream, maybe he didn’t out himself, maybe Kendall didn’t just kiss him, maybe-

“Logan, open your eyes.” Kendall’s breath was fanning his lips and he could feel their noses touching softly as Kendall pressed his forehead against Logan’s.

“I don’t want to.”

“But I want you to.”

There it is. A request from Kendall. Logan never refused to do anything for Kendall and he almost wondered if today would be the day he finally said no, but even under so much pressure with anxiety crawling up his lungs and threatening to make him bolt out the door, he opened his eyes.

“Hey.” Kendall smiled at him and Logan’s legs began to feel like jelly. His smile was sweet, warm and it shined with so much adoration that Logan thought he’d die if he never saw it again. “I’m no good at love science like you are, but I’m assuming you were talking about me earlier?” Logan nodded slowly, holding back a noise of disappointment as Kendall pulled his forehead away. “C’mon.”

Logan followed Kendall back to their room with his eyebrows furrowed curiously. He sat on the edge of his own bed and watched as Kendall fished through the drawers. He was genuinely confused now, he wanted to know what their kiss meant but it seemed Kendall had other plans.

“Kendall, what are you doing?” Logan sighed, bouncing his leg in agitation as Kendall continued digging through his drawers.

“Aha!” Kendall smiled triumphantly as he held up a crumpled and battered piece of paper. It looked old, smudges all over it like it’d been used as an eraser but Logan knew it was just from worn in writing that’d probably gotten water on it. “This.”

“What is _‘this’_?” Logan gingerly took the piece of paper out of Kendall’s outstretched arms.

“I’ve been holding onto it for years. It’s.. my confession letter for you. I wrote it in middle school, it was after your first hockey game with us and you scored the last winning puck.. And after I saw the smile on your face as we held you up on our shoulders I remember thinking: I am so in love with you.. So when I got home, I wrote that and I kinda.. Stole the puck for sentimental value.” Kendall explained as he held up the black puck bashfully. 

“Kendall..” Logan could feel himself smiling stupidly as he read the scribbled handwriting of eleven year old Kendall, “You idiot.” He laughed quietly as he set the note aside and lifted his head to meet Kendall’s eyes. “Stealing at eleven years old? Really?”

“Hey! C’mon it was your first game and you won it!” Kendall chuckled, sitting himself down next to Logan. “I could tell you wanted to talk about the kiss so I hope this.. Explains almost everything.”

His heart still won when it came to Kendall Knight, that much was obvious, but maybe not all love was destined to end in heartbreak and maybe science and concrete evidence shouldn’t factor into love at all.

As Logan leaned forward to lovingly kiss Kendall once more, all feelings finally put out in the open after five years of struggling to even comprehend what they meant, he realized he’s never felt so genuinely calm and collected. Even if he was one to panic horrendously under pressure, Logan Mitchell would still follow Kendall into the bloodiest battles.


End file.
